Sunday, January 19, 2014

What do I want to be when I grow up?

Just because you are in your thirties does not mean "you know what you want to be when you grow up".  And it definitely doesn't mean that you are who you always wanted to be.  I'm not necessarily talking about your career choice.  I'm talking about the kind of person you are.

There is a reoccurring theme when I write.  A few months ago I tried taking a personality test and I kept getting mixed results.  This reminds me - I need to take that test again.  

When people ask me who I am, I state the roles that I play in my life.  Wife.  Daughter.  Friend.  My profession.  But who am I?  What kind of person am I?  I realized very recently that I don't know.  Seriously, I don't know who I am.  I don't have a freaking clue.  This is terrifying.  Who the hell am I?  What are my passions in life?  What excites me and makes me feel alive?  The fact that I can't answer these questions without pausing to think (and if I am really honest, I am actually racking my brain trying to come up with a good answer), tells me that I either don't pay attention to myself or I haven't found these things in my life yet.  Both of these possibilities are scary.

Maybe I am going through a pre-midlife crisis.  Maybe I am thinking more more deeply because it's a new year or because I recently celebrated a birthday (that's right, I am now one more year deeper into my thirties - before you know it, I will be writing about my post-40 life). 

As terrifying as this all is, I am determined to figure this out.  I'm tired of being who I think others want me to be.  I am tired of doing the things others think I should be doing.  And I'm tired of doing the things that even I think I should be doing.  I have always chosen responsibility over passion and practicality over dreams.  I have lived most of my life in my head - overthinking every aspect.  I want to feel for a change.  I want to do the things that thrill me, bring me happiness and laughter, give me butterflies - the good kind when you are about to experience something amazing.  Why can't that something just be life?  I want to live my life passionately

The time is now.  It's time for fresh starts and new beginnings.  It's time to find that spark and Shine

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