There is a reoccurring theme when I write. A few months ago I tried taking a personality test and I kept getting mixed results. This reminds me - I need to take that test again.
When people ask me who I am, I state the roles that I play in my life. Wife. Daughter. Friend. My profession. But who am I? What kind of person am I? I realized very recently that I don't know. Seriously, I don't know who I am. I don't have a freaking clue. This is terrifying. Who the hell am I? What are my passions in life? What excites me and makes me feel alive? The fact that I can't answer these questions without pausing to think (and if I am really honest, I am actually racking my brain trying to come up with a good answer), tells me that I either don't pay attention to myself or I haven't found these things in my life yet. Both of these possibilities are scary.
Maybe I am going through a pre-midlife crisis. Maybe I am thinking more more deeply because it's a new year or because I recently celebrated a birthday (that's right, I am now one more year deeper into my thirties - before you know it, I will be writing about my post-40 life).
As terrifying as this all is, I am determined to figure this out. I'm tired of being who I think others want me to be. I am tired of doing the things others think I should be doing. And I'm tired of doing the things that even I think I should be doing. I have always chosen responsibility over passion and practicality over dreams. I have lived most of my life in my head - overthinking every aspect. I want to feel for a change. I want to do the things that thrill me, bring me happiness and laughter, give me butterflies - the good kind when you are about to experience something amazing. Why can't that something just be life? I want to live my life passionately.
The time is now. It's time for fresh starts and new beginnings. It's time to find that spark and Shine.