Monday, March 10, 2014

Brew You

I found a new way to waste hours and hours on a sunny Sunday afternoon.  P and I are in need of a new coffeemaker.  We stopped by our local Bed, Bath, & Beyond and spent a solid 60 minutes checking out their merchandise.  We went back and forth (well, I went back and forth) trying to decide:

Do we want a coffeemaker or should we try an espresso machine?

If we go with a coffeemaker, do we want an automatic drip with a carafe or a single cup machine?

If we go with a single cup machine, do we want a Keurig or a Tassimo?

If we go with a carafe, do we want glass or thermal?

And by the way, I am saying "we" but really, P couldn't care less.  I could tell him we are switching to instant coffee and he would probably go along with it.  (Although even he would probably care a little about that.)

We (aka I) finally decided on a purchase:  an automatic drip coffeemaker with a glass carafe and a built in burr grinder.  Before today, I had no idea what a burr grinder was.  P kept telling me it was a high-end brand.  Clearly, we know nothing about brewing coffee and probably shouldn't be allowed to go coffeemaker shopping.  I know that coffee connoisseurs would scoff at the idea of an automatic drip coffeemaker and even more so at the idea of buying one with a built in grinder, but we decided that convenience was important.  And I think I just proved that we are not coffee connoisseurs. 

When we got home, we were both so excited and all I wanted was a fresh cup of coffee from our new coffeemaker.  You know what it's like when you have something in your head and in that moment that something is the only thing you want in the whole wide world?  Can you tell that I am setting up for a disappointing ending here?  The DAMN coffeemaker wouldn't fit under the cabinets in our quaint 1940s (aka awkwardly-sized) home.

I guess instead of blaming our cute (but still teeny-tiny) house for being too small, I should say that the stupid coffeemaker was freakishly huge.  To be honest, I would have been more upset, but the first thing I read in the manual (before we realized it was too big for our counter) was that damn California warning that states:  "This product contains hazardous, lethal, poisonous lead that will likely result in death and/or birth defects."  Okay, the warning may not say that exactly, but that is the gist.  Seriously.  If you don't believe me, just click here.  (I talked about this warning before.)  The size issue gave me an excuse to return the coffeemaker without making a big deal about the warning (which happened a few months ago when P and I purchased a vacuum cleaner).

And so I went on the hunt for a new coffeemaker.  What is the best coffeemaker for the best price?  I spent the rest of my afternoon and evening (until about 10:30pm to be exact) researching coffeemakers and their parts, where they are made, customer reviews, etc., etc., etc.  My head is going to explode.

Finding a BPA-free coffee pot was the least of my worries (although this is where my worries began).  The more I thought about this, I am pretty confident that our current coffeemaker, which we have used for about 8 years now, is probably filled with so much BPA that P and I are permanently poisoned and we will most likely develop every possible disease that can result from BPA toxicity.  I am probably lucky if I live long enough to finish this post.

Awesome.  Now I am scared of my coffeemaker.  What was once the highlight of my morning is now my worst f***ing nightmare.  Never mind the fact that the damage is certainly already done, so why worry now?  But, still.  What if it is that one more sip of BPA-coffee that just makes my organs give out completely?  I am so F***ed.  (I don't know why I keep typing *'s.  You have to know what I am saying, right?  Sorry, if you are offended.  But, if you are offended, aren't you glad that I used the *'s?)

As much as my mind could have spiraled down this path of "What are the signs of BPA poisoning?" instead, I continued my research on finding the perfect coffeemaker for P and I.  My questions went on and on.  Although I did know that we wanted an automatic drip with a carafe, I was still torn between thermal or glass.  I liked the idea of coffee staying warm without a hot plate, but I swear that stainless steel can give coffee a weird taste.  Then, I found a glass-lined thermal option.  WINNER!  

So I thought my job was done, but then I started agonizing over other things like:

Is it okay to purchase a coffeemaker that is made in one part of the world when it is designed in another part of the world?

Is it safe to get a coffeemaker that has an aluminum heating element rather than a copper one?

And what the heck is in the plastic if it isn't BPA?

Do I spend $300 on a coffeemaker (without a grinder) or buy the much more reasonably priced version (also without a grinder)?

And then there was the grinder.  I will spare you the details as this research followed a very similar pattern.  But I will tell you, a burr grinder is not a brand.  You see?  This wasn't a total waste of time.

P should be thanking me for all of my hard work in trying to find a coffeemaker that won't kill us.  As much as it pains me, he talked me into the less expensive option.  So, I will spend countless cups of coffee in my future fretting about the aluminum heating element.  After all my worrying about BPA poisoning, we will probably now both develop Alzheimer's from the mother-loving aluminum heating source.  P, if I get Alzheimer's, I'm blaming you.

But until then, I am stuck with my BPA coffeemaker (which probably also uses aluminum so I am doubly screwed) because Amazon won't ship my purchases for 5 to 8 business days.  Because why would I spend more money on shipping when I wouldn't spend more money for the copper heating element?  That would just be stupid.

And that was my Sunday.

Ugh, I need a cup of coffee. Oh, wait.  F*** me.

I am pretty sure the bubbles are from all the BPA.

No comments:

Post a Comment