Although I have always been a thinker, I have been thinking a lot lately about who I am and what I want in life. Probably because time keeps marching on and I find myself reflecting where I am in life and sometimes I catch myself comparing my life as it is to how I thought it would be. (That is a huge no-no, by the way.) For the most part, I feel satisfied and very lucky. Of course, being happy with what I have would just make life way too simple and easy. And I am not a simple person. And as my husband will tell you, I am not an easy person either.
My expectations tend to be very high for a lot of things. I am a "doing" kind of person. I keep myself busy by setting new goals and striving to achieve. Although that's certainly not a bad thing, when I take a closer look at why I do those things, it may be for the wrong reasons.
Achieving and accomplishing makes me feel good. It gives me a feeling of satisfaction. I feel successful. I like myself more when I am successful.
Keeping busy allows me to escape, resist, or ignore things that I don't feel like dealing with in that moment (and by in that moment, I actually mean ever). When I am DOING, I am too busy to focus on things that cause me worry, pain, stress, or fear.
I have resisted the things that I don't want to face by doing things. I also do things to define who I am - or more accurately - to define who I think I should be.
Get good grades.
Play this sport.
Go to that college.
Earn this degree.
Run that race.
Take on that project. And then take on 10 more projects on top of that.
DOING allows me to create my own journey where I am the boss rather than experiencing the journey that is given to me every day. I choose to drive instead of going along for the ride.
Rather than "doing" all the time, I am making time to process and reflect. I have also started reading the book, The Untethered Soul by Michael A. Singer.
This book is incredible. I am not one who typically reads books about self-discovery, but I thought it was time to revisit my promise for 2014: To shine. It is hard to shine when you don't know who the hell you really are and what makes you tick (like really, really tick). What I do know is that my current life, although it is very nice and I like it a lot, doesn't fill me with the kind of passion and fire that I would like it to. And I'm not sure if it's my perception that is off or if I am just not living my life the way I was meant to live it.
I mean, maybe I am supposed to be a world traveler backpacking from country to country. Or maybe I am supposed to be a photographer where "a day at the office" requires me to explore all kinds of magnificent landscapes. Or maybe I am supposed to be a poet living in England's countryside. Or maybe I am supposed to be James Franco's wife.
On that (amazingly awesome) note, there is a bottle of wine with my name on it.