Saturday, March 1, 2014

Parenthood (a little perspective from a fur mom)

Warning!  You must bring your sense of humor if you plan to read this post.  If you do not have one or temporarily misplaced it, please just hit the back button right now.  Better yet, just close the window and forget your ever saw this.

When you are in your thirties, Facebook can be a strange place.  Although, in all fairness, I did not join Facebook until I was in my thirties, so it is quite possible that Facebook is a strange place no matter how old you are.  I am sure that anyone who has a Facebook account can relate to how their friends' posts often fall under a certain category (e.g., the chronic complainer, the bragger, the know-it-all, etc.). 

Today, I want to talk about that one type of post that increases dramatically when you are in your thirties - the parent posts.  The reality is that many of my thirty-something friends are parents or expecting parents-to-be.  I, too, am a mother - but my five children each have four legs and a tail.  A few days ago, I had a conversation with a good friend (who also has several fur children) about some of the parent posts showing up in our feed lately.  We have a few friends who have been posting things about motherhood that have, quite frankly, terrified us both about the prospect of having human children.  They make motherhood sound like torture with all of their complaints about lack of sleep and non-stop crying, pooping, and throwing up.  Then, they will follow up with pictures and posts about how their babies are the cutest things to ever exist in the universe, which will again be followed by an awful story about how poop exploded from someone's hiney.  (By the way, this is the first time I ever typed the word hiney.)

Then, one of our mom friends posted something about how she totally agrees with the statement that you are not a real parent until you have more than one child.  I am not one to publicly criticize what someone writes, but I have to be honest here, I think that might be one of the most ridiculous things I have ever read/heard in my life.  I mean, I get what she is saying - having more than one child is extremely hard work - especially when both children are under the age of three.  I would never, EVER argue that point.  I cannot imagine how much work that must be.  But come on now, by saying that someone is not real, you are either calling that person fake or imaginary.  As an only child, I can tell you that my parents are quite real.  Although having imaginary parents does sort of sound cool, like your parents are invisible with superhuman powers.  Maybe my friend was making the point that imaginary parents are way more kick ass than real parents and if that was her point, then I'm an asshole.

Anyway, this is how the conversation with my fellow fur-mom friend went (please note that names have been changed as I want to protect her identity from our mom friends):

Nina:  I want to post all the things that parents post but apply it to my dogs.  Like, "Urgent!  All mommys and daddys within 15 miles, what's the best doggie daycare for little Barkley?"

Me:  Well, that's just utilizing your contacts.  You are being a smart and responsible dog mom.

Nina: "And PLEASE - only people with three or more fur babies reply, because otherwise you aren't real parents."

Me:  Absolutely.  No fake dog parents allowed in this conversation.  Their input would be fake input and that would just be rude on their part.

Nina:  "Ugh!  I FINALLY got 8 hours of sleep!  Thank God, Maxwell stopped licking his butt hole all night long and let mommy and daddy catch up on sleep.  We were zombies!"

Me:  Butt hole breath is the worst!

Nina:  And then the next day...  "UGH!  If it's not one, it's the other.  Maxwell finally stopped licking his bum and then Jack starts licking his penis all night!!!  So exhausted today!!!  This mommy needs coffee!!!"

Me:  And now you're dealing with butt hole AND penis breath!  Good thing they are both so freaking adorable!

Nina:  Zing!

Me:  We should share this with the world.  It teaches everyone a valuable lesson.  The world would thank us.

The end.

P.S.  You're welcome, world.


  1. Ha I love this! Its not just my facebook, its my office too, can't remember the last time I had my morning coffee without being made feel guilty that I've had a solid 9 hours sleep!! xo

    1. You are so right, Angela! I have learned not to say the words, "I'm so tired!" out loud. Of course, saying "I feel so rested!" might even be worse. I try to skip the whole sleep conversation completely.